The offside rule; in German.

A mate of mine’s wife left him. A couple of days later gales struck town and his Sky dish got blown well out of alignment. He now only got two channels, both in German. One was porn and one was football. When he told this story he’d pause at this point and then comment, “Now I can explain the offside rule in German.”
When I remembered his joke my first thought was ‘what would he say if he knew I was nicking it for my blog?’
My second thought was; ‘Beggar, we buried him in 2012.’
This is something that’s getting more common. Not capricious atmospheric disturbances leaving you with nothing but German porn or football (although I confess I haven’t checked the literature to back up my claim) but me thinking about mates and realising they’re dead.
This last week has been a bit of a time to stop and think. Mainly because on Friday I had an attack of pancreatitis and ended up driving myself to A&E because the next doctor’s appointment I could get was on Monday. With impeccable timing I looked reasonably OK when I saw the triage nurse, then half an hour later I was so ill the receptionist took one look at me when I handed over the urine sample, told me to sit in a wheel chair and two minutes later she wheeled me into one of the bays and a doctor was waiting for me.
Anyway, thanks to the good people at Furness General Hospital, by Sunday I was ready for discharge, they waved me a fond goodbye, leaving me clutching a goodie bag filled with three different pain killers and instructions to hurry back if I started to feel ill again.
Let’s get this right. They’re not angels. They are ordinary decent people. It’s just that we forget how amazing ordinary decent people actually are. I’m suitably grateful, and yes, I quite liked the hospital food.
And thoughts; well be careful with morphine. Each bay in each ward in FGH has six beds, three down the two side walls, facing each other. I got into my bed, and as I sat there it struck me that my bay was obviously a bit different. On the side facing me there were four beds. They looked a bit tightly packed but perhaps it was just something they were trying, perhaps trying to get the numbers up. Three hours later I was just sitting quietly minding my own business when I realised that, actually, there were only three beds on the other side of the ward. The morphine was wearing off.


6 thoughts on “The offside rule; in German.

  1. willmacmillanjones December 30, 2013 at 7:50 pm Reply

    Nurses are, as you rightly say, only human. Apart from my ex, obviously. More deserving of praise are those who manage to live with them, cope with the shifts, the moods and the stress of their spouses.

    • jwebster2 December 31, 2013 at 7:41 pm Reply

      I suspect that the spouses of Nurses are a bit like the Spouses of Teachers (only with wilder extremes). To do some jobs properly I suspect they have to take over your life a bit

  2. M T McGuire January 1, 2014 at 3:19 pm Reply

    Blimey, I hope your Pancreas has stopped giving you jip and if all the Morpine did was induce an extra bed you got off pretty lightly. I’ve seen people tripping off their tits.



    • jwebster2 January 1, 2014 at 3:43 pm Reply

      I suspect my imagination is too harshly schooled in ‘don’t threaten the suspension of disbelief, we need a convincing back-story here’ 🙂
      But yes, one day at a time and so far I’ve not needed the pain-killers

      • M T McGuire January 1, 2014 at 8:42 pm

        Yeek, is still my immediate reaction.

      • jwebster2 January 1, 2014 at 11:13 pm

        Well I’m not advocating it as a lifestyle choice 😉

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