Weird place, London

A unisex hairdresser’s salon; a young chap there getting his hair gelled and spiked (or whatever.) On the pavement by the door, waiting for collection, an empty five gallon drum of rape oil. Weird place, London. At the British Museum I watched an elegantly attired lady sitting, posing for the camera; right next to the signs which said ‘Emergency exit,’ and ‘Do not sit on the steps.’ But it’s the phones that get me. What is it with Londoners and mobile phones? Thirty or forty years ago I remember seeing a guy walk down the street in Reading. Speaking loudly, gesticulating wildly, people were giving him a wide berth until two policemen gently took him off to one side and waited for an ambulance to collect him. Now there’s scores of them, all babbling on their phones, but why do they gesticulate as they’re talking? But at least the gesticulating ones are looking about them. Next time I go down to London I’m getting a chest harness. On it, facing forward, I’m mounting a long spring and a boxing glove. Perhaps that will stop people walking into me because they didn’t see me. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m hardly the smallest person you’re likely to meet. Mind you the prize for ignoring me goes to the woman towing her suitcase on wheels with one hand, texting with the other. She walked straight through the crowd and across the front of me. It was like being cut up at a roundabout by an artic! A mate of mine once went sprawling in a similar situation, I was just lucky. Then there was the lass on the bus. I was crossing the road at some traffic lights and made it to the island in the middle. Fine so far! Then a bus, turning right, stopped immediately in front of me. There in front of me were an assortment of passengers, reading, playing with their phones, staring into space, or even chatting. Fair enough, all human life is here. But the lass directly in front of me was wearing the earphones from her phone, which is fair enough, not everybody wants to share your music. But she had the lead from her earphones in her mouth and she was sucking and chewing it. Does that indicate her mother didn’t breast feed her long enough, or did she allow her to breast feed too long? But the thing that really does get me about London isn’t entirely a London problem. They really shouldn’t allow women of a certain height to have umbrellas. If they do, when they walk, head bowed against the rain, the spikes on the umbrella are just the same height as my eyes. Normally, with eyes fixed on the floor, they do at least notice my feet and legs before they hit me in the face with the spikes. But as I made my way along the rain soaked pavement I was forced to take rapid evasive action to avoid two women who, oblivious to the world around them, were holding their umbrellas in one hand and were texting with the other. I did the only thing a reasonable man could do. I made my way to Euston and got the next train back to civilisation.

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4 thoughts on “Weird place, London

  1. willmacmillanjones January 26, 2014 at 8:04 pm Reply

    London is a terrible place, inhabited by aliens who have stolen human bodies. I share your distaste, and revel in the knowledge that the global warming they all ignore will soon drown the whole pestilential place.

    • jwebster2 January 27, 2014 at 6:10 am Reply

      Certainly if the political pygmies who run this country and rant and tax us unmercifully with global warming as an excuse actually believed in it, they’d stop investing money in London and start slowly moving the inhabitants out. If their ideas of climate change are correct, at some point in the next generation, the water will top the Thames Barrier and fill London Underground.

  2. Keir Arts February 3, 2014 at 9:35 am Reply

    As someone who had a portion of their family come from London none of your blog really surprises me. I remember sitting on the tube pre mobile phone days and everyone would either read a book or stare directly at the adverts they have above head height, all desperate not to catch anyone else’s attention just in case they might engage them in human conversation. I still like London, but in the same way I like rollercoasters. It’s a fun ride, hair raising at times and once your done with it its good to go home to some peace and quiet. I got to visit for at the most a month or two every year and that was enough for me.

    As you know I agree with you about our political pygmies. The policies that come out of Westminster are far too London-centric and far too much work is focused on one portion of the country. As a result most of the south east has become an overpriced hell hole while too many areas in the North have been left to rot.

    It’s especially galling when they talk about all the jobs about. I’m sure there are loads in London. There always was. Mainly because its too expensive to live there that anything you could make would be devoured by rent. It’s a landlords market as demand far outstrips supply.

    Things need to change. Perhaps the flooding of London might be what starts this change. All I would ask is that our political class are locked in Westminster before the evacuation.

    • jwebster2 February 3, 2014 at 6:08 pm Reply

      Given the calibre of some of them, we’d probably be able to convince them to run to the tube for shelter 🙂

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