Sky clad, equine or what?

“So at this point Watson, our white witch, realising she has succeeded in invoking rain, departs in haste.”

“And the somewhat structural nether garments Holmes?”

“One is forced to presume she was sky clad.”

Look, I’m just trying to get the hedge into some sort of order. I don’t mind having to tackle hawthorn older than me, I don’t even mind having to cut off ivy so thick and gnarled it’s easier just to chop it into logs. But why on earth do I have to wade knee deep through beer cans, horse feed bags and other equine detritus whilst I’m doing it.

This particular lay-by has always been a fond favourite of the sort of fly tipper who is so keen on their art that he/she/it ignores the fact they have to drive further to dump their rubbish on us than they do to get to the tip.

In truth it’s not really a lay-by, it’s a field gateway set back off the road a bit. At one time it was so popular with the dinner time adultery set that they virtually had to queue to use it. Get there by ten past twelve and you’d missed your place.

So popular was it that one of the more enthusiastic practitioners slipped a mate who worked for the council a few bob and they even put a bit of tarmac down for him.

It’s been a place known for its specialised tastes. One morning I went to feed heifers and found a pair of black thigh length ladies boots and a bra and pants that might be described more properly as ‘foundation garments.’ I mentioned this to the police who came out to check in case they related to any missing person investigations and they agreed with me that these were garments that a town full of shipbuilding engineers could be proud of. They were designed to support, not titillate, and would probably stop a 9mm round at forty yards.

We did idly speculate on what happened to the wearer, after all they’re not the sort of things one would expect someone to forget through simple absent-mindedness.

It had been a wet night; hence our preferred theory was that the lay-by had been appropriated by a white witch of robust build who had danced sky-clad to bring on the rain. Then caught in a downpour and perhaps over exuberant, she’d decamped, (probably by car, but we didn’t want to presume too much) inadvertently forgetting garments that she might otherwise have considered fundamental.

But briefly, doubtless so very briefly, it’s clear. Doubtless builders will recall it to mind the next time they want to get rid of the rubble they’ve already charged you for taking to the tip. Doubtless the equine type who has a strange use for horse bandages will return, and dinner-time adultery may even make a comeback.

But as for me, the countdown continues, Justice 4.1 (The Tsarina Sector) is to be released on 1st March 2014.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Justice-4-1-The-Tsarina-Sector-ebook/dp/B00IPTBEQW/

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11 thoughts on “Sky clad, equine or what?

  1. The Story Reading Ape February 25, 2014 at 4:19 pm Reply

    Jim – you succeeded in word painting a few pictures that will doubtless recur in several nightmares for the next few weeks – but I enjoyed reading them nonetheless 😀

    • jwebster2 February 25, 2014 at 4:21 pm Reply

      Perhaps I’m inadvertently turning into a horror writer? 🙂

      • The Story Reading Ape February 25, 2014 at 4:26 pm

        Or a satirist? The old Brian Rix or Two Ronnies type sketch was MADE for this kind of scene LOL 🙂

      • jwebster2 February 25, 2014 at 4:46 pm

        Brian Rix was a performer my parents allowed us to stay up and watch even if it was a school day the next day 🙂 And the Two Ronnies were pure comic genius.

        I suspect I can claim them amongst my influences 🙂

      • The Story Reading Ape February 25, 2014 at 4:49 pm

        You couldn’t wish for better influences Jim – Benny Hill was out of bounds though, but I enjoy catching up online with him sometimes 🙂

  2. M T McGuire February 25, 2014 at 5:51 pm Reply

    It sounds as if you’ve got one of my bras, which are definitely more about heavy lifting and engineering prowess than titillation but I don’t remember leaving the boots! Phnark. On a more normal note, it is possible to forget such things. I still remember the day I turned up to work, drove over a bump on Trumpington Street and realised, by dint of an over exuberance of movement in the zepplin shed that they were, as you might say, un-battened.

    Cheers

    MTM

    • jwebster2 February 25, 2014 at 6:27 pm Reply

      Excuse me whilst I take notes, the incident is worthy of inclusion in some further great work of literature 🙂

      • M T McGuire February 25, 2014 at 7:46 pm

        Uh-oh. Now I’m in trouble. 😉

      • jwebster2 February 25, 2014 at 10:25 pm

        Trouble is, without a signed affidavit, no one would believe it and I’d be accused of undermining the suspension of disbelief 😦

      • M T McGuire February 26, 2014 at 8:03 am

        This is the joy of real life of course. Truth is so much stranger than fiction.

      • jwebster2 February 26, 2014 at 8:16 am

        Which is absolutely true, there is a limit to what a writer can get away with inventing, life doesn’t have this unfair disadvantage 🙂

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