Q: How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone 6 plus?
A: Don’t worry, they’ll let you know.
Actually my phone isn’t a smart phone; it’s a phone of genius. An elderly nokia, on Wednesday it obviously got desperate.
It was sitting switched off in my pocket. Actually this is a pretty unusual situation for it, normally it lives switched off in the drawer. But did it appreciate the extra freedom, the change of air, the chance to get out and mingle a bit?
No, it colluded with the car keys to switch itself on, and then it was so desperate for company that it phoned my daughter! She then phoned me back because getting a call from me on my mobile is up there with first of the seven trumpets as a sign of the forthcoming apocalypse.
The first I knew about all this was when my phone started ringing.
To be fair I do use my phone. Someone was offering me a considerable number of free texts if I put another £10 top-up on the pay-as-you-go.
So I checked on my phone to see how many texts I used. I’d had a couple of texts from somebody last August, but hadn’t needed to reply. Prior to that, the last texts I got from a real person (and not from EE offering me fabulous deals or telling me about missed calls) was October 2013, and I remember distinctly sending a text back to them.
But anyway, I got home (after assuring my daughter that the end times weren’t upon us and it was just my phone getting bored.)
In the space of the next hour I had five phone calls on the landline. Two were silent, and when I put the phone down and dialled 1471 they were ‘number unobtainable.’ The next was a phone call to tell me that we might be eligible for some government energy scheme or the other. The problem was it was an automated call, with voice recognition software etc so it could answer your questions. Unfortunately it launched into this spiel, at the end of which I said ‘Pardon, who did you say you were?’
That was obviously not one of the questions the software allowed for and the voice at the other end lapsed into silence. So I put the phone down.
The next phone call was from someone who wanted to speak to Jim Webster. So I asked what about. She started off with this spiel and I interrupted to say that I was the switchboard and which Jim Webster did she want. So she put the phone down.
Finally I got a phone call from BT that was genuine and made sense. Or more sense than any of the previous calls.
I just wish I’d thought to do this.