So this is what best selling authors get up to

(c) Lady Lever Art Gallery; Supplied by The Public Catalogue Foundation

(c) Lady Lever Art Gallery; Supplied by The Public Catalogue Foundation


I know many people have asked whether the easy wealth and international jet-setting lifestyle will spoil me so I thought that I’d better give you some idea of how my morning is spent. Obviously palm-fringed beaches, the pool, the beach-bar, the beach babes all come into it at some point, but remember this is Cumbria, not the Caribbean.

So first I clean the ashes out of the fire bottom and get the fire going. I take the ashes outside and it’s raining. Such is life. On Sunday the ground was drying up nicely, on Monday when I fed sheep the ground was so dry it was a pleasure. Then it rained. And it rained, and, in case you missed it, it rained.

So breakfast, coffee, and out. Except that it isn’t raining, it’s snowing; huge sodden flakes of it which don’t so much flutter down as splat on impact. Never mind, waterproofs were designed for days like this. Get the quad out, put it on the trailer, and up to the barn where some of last years lambs are being housed in the vague hope that inside they might put on weight. Feed them and put silage in the trailer for a bunch of ewe lambs who are still outside and hopefully will run with the tup next back-end. Chop a bit of fodder beet over the silage to boost the energy and off we go. The minute I leave the road we indulge in the ‘bambi on ice’ experience. It isn’t merely that the snow has melted (and it’s now raining again) but the ground is sodden. We’re on top of a hill here, the soil is well draining, and there is water standing because it’s nowhere to go. So I find a relatively dry bit and scatter the silage about for the ewe lambs who at least greet it enthusiastically.

Then it’s back to get some fodder beet for the lambing ewes. Their silage is already in a ring feeder and that’s still got plenty in.

So eventually, I’ve seen everybody, made sure everybody’s fed, and of course by now it’s stopped raining. So peel off the soaking over-trousers and hang them up so they’ll be dry next time I need them. Peel off the soaking jacket and put it to dry. Take off shirt and jumper and put them on the cooker rail so their wet patches dry. Make coffee and drink the same.

You know what, this international fame and stardom, plus of course the compulsory adulation of the masses, isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Hence if you get a chance, then do yourself a favour and get yourself a copy of ‘Tomb-yard Follies.’


Then you achieve two important results. The first is that you have something fun to do rather than watching telly because the weather is miserable. The second is that you help give me a chance to prove to the world that I am so well grounded that unimaginable wealth (or at least my share of your 98p) will not spoil me.

Treat yourself, you know it makes sense.

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22 thoughts on “So this is what best selling authors get up to

  1. The Story Reading Ape March 2, 2016 at 11:36 am Reply

    Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
    A typical day in the glamorous life of a Gentleman Farmer / Author called…

    • jwebster2 March 2, 2016 at 12:36 pm Reply

      you’d be amazed how glamorous my life gets! 😉

      • The Story Reading Ape March 2, 2016 at 12:58 pm

        I’ll BET Jim 😀

      • jwebster2 March 2, 2016 at 2:23 pm

        read the next installment for added glamour, you’ll never see a door handle in the same light again!

      • The Story Reading Ape March 2, 2016 at 2:42 pm


  2. simonjkyte March 2, 2016 at 12:43 pm Reply

    Picture by Farquharson?

    • jwebster2 March 2, 2016 at 12:56 pm Reply

      Yes, my late father had a print of it and I’ve always been fond of it. It does capture a time and a place, but that time and place can still be now 🙂

  3. M T McGuire March 2, 2016 at 1:11 pm Reply

    Mwah hah ahahrgh… I’m in the middle of a post along similar lines about the joys of combining multi-million dollar authordom with real life. I have sold LITERALLY ones of my latest book this month. Thereby learning that cliff hanger endings, rather than stand alone books, are my friend! And it’s splatty rain here, too. I wish it would just snow properly or piss off! 😉 Phnark.



    • jwebster2 March 2, 2016 at 2:24 pm Reply

      At the moment the weather merely threatens, so I fixed the door handle and did another blog post. Still waiting for sponsorship and companies to get round to paying me silly money to endorse their products

  4. Let's CUT the Crap! March 2, 2016 at 8:36 pm Reply

    All that rain can’t be good for anybody. 😀 😛 I guess life goes on and time waits for no man. If you want to eat, it’s good to have some sheep as backup even if they take a lot of work. o_O
    Interesting peek at your day.

    • jwebster2 March 3, 2016 at 6:28 am Reply

      I suspect that all mutton and no chocolate would make Jack a very dull boy indeed 🙂 But as one friend commented to me, at least with the rain as it is, I can feel legitimately depressed

  5. lovessiamese March 3, 2016 at 1:29 am Reply

    Ah, yes, the life of ease and wealth: for the imaginary writer. The rest of us really work at it. I love the photo. Ever read “A Shepherd’s Look at the 23rd Psalm?” It’s fascinating and a quick read.

    • jwebster2 March 3, 2016 at 6:32 am Reply

      That’s one to look out for, I’d not heard of that writer before. Certainly in one way or another I heard the 23rd Psalm a lot, because as Church Warden I help out at a lot of funerals

  6. Audrey Driscoll March 3, 2016 at 4:01 am Reply

    I love that ;picture! Romantic but realistic? There is snow, after all. 🙂

  7. franklparker March 3, 2016 at 2:36 pm Reply

    Lovely dose of realism. I’m going to share it on my friend’s Facebook page. She’s a farmer poet who specialises in agricultural poetry. (Now, there’s a rare genre!)

    • jwebster2 March 3, 2016 at 3:14 pm Reply

      It is indeed. I don’t know whether farmer fantasy writers are more or less numerous than farmer poets 🙂

  8. theowllady March 12, 2016 at 2:01 am Reply

    Reblogged this on theowlladyblog.

  9. kirizar January 29, 2018 at 8:34 pm Reply

    In which a Yank learns that you cannot purchase a novel via Amazon UK and further discovers the cost of inflation when digital media crosses the pond. I hope you eventually make great use of the $1.49 from my purchase. I was entirely captured by picturing an octogenarian roof-running with the aid of burly assistance and a sedan chair.

    • jwebster2 January 29, 2018 at 8:49 pm Reply

      Benor captures another victim 🙂 I shall indeed invest the money wisely and hope you enjoy the story

  10. M T McGuire March 3, 2021 at 8:40 am Reply


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