Casually discarded Calvin Klein Underwear and the risks every white witch must face.

 

091010460060All right, they may not have been casually discarded. But discarded they obviously were.

I suppose at this point we may need a context. I was walking down the road heading for town. There are various parts of my route which are scenic, and there are other bits where the nicest thing you can say for them is the verge is very wide.

There at the side of the road, not really on the verge, not really on the road, was a pair of discarded Calvin Klein underpants.

I suppose it’s one of those things that can provoke thought. How exactly did they come to be discarded? After many years of experience I can say with confidence that when I’m fully dressed it is pretty well impossible for them to fall off by accident.

What is the drama behind this incident? Have we a case of the wandering, kilt-clad Scot who suddenly getting back in touch with his inner manifest destiny, to the skirl of pipes played by a piper heard only by himself, cast the offending garment away and walked off without them, kilt swinging proudly and only a little chilly.

Or was our Scot a man so thrifty that he kept them until the elastic finally gave up the ghost, and rather than abandoning them, they abandoned him?

Or has news leaked out that Calvin Richard Klein has done something, sponsored somebody or whatever that the wearer of these pants found so offensive that before the news broadcast had even finished than he tore his trousers off, removed the offending underpants and cast them contemptuously aside.

 

One of the advantages of living in a rural area is that you see aspects of people they never display elsewhere. I was checking young stock one morning. This involves walking from field to field meeting and greeting. I climbed over the gate from one field to walk along the lane to the next field and there, in the lay-by, was an assemblage of female underwear plus a pair of long boots.

After some thought I decided that I’d better mention it to the police, because you never know. A WPC came down in a car and I showed her to the place. She surveyed the underwear, bra, pants, and the really long boots.

As the WPC said, it wasn’t the underwear of a lady who should casually discard anything structural.

But they’d not had any disappearances reported and nobody had reported the clothing missing.

The only clue was that the clothing had been rained on, so it had to have been discarded the previous evening. After some thought the WPC came up with the suggestion that actually what we had was evidence of a white witch who had been dancing sky-clad to bring on the rain.

When the rain actually came, (pretty heavily if I remember correctly,) She’d just shrugged on a few clothes, dived into the car and had driven off, forgetting the rest. Certainly she couldn’t have put the boots on in a hurry.

Well it made as much sense as any other theory that I’d heard.

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16 thoughts on “Casually discarded Calvin Klein Underwear and the risks every white witch must face.

  1. Alicia Butcher Ehrhardt October 15, 2016 at 8:40 pm Reply

    The only discarded underwear I ever see is that which belong to members of my own household, and has escaped the laundry basket.

    Perhaps, if I tried harder and walked further afield, even suburbia might yield more interesting objects than an abandoned beer bottle. But not so far.

    You have a much more interesting life.

    • jwebster2 October 15, 2016 at 8:58 pm Reply

      Keep your eyes open and let the imagination freewheel 😉

  2. M T McGuire October 16, 2016 at 9:00 am Reply

    There are people shagging in your lay-bys, me thinks. 🙂 and then forgetting bits and bobs in their post coital haste to put warm clothes back on…

    Or … my friend Duncan used to tell a story about a very high pheasant he was served at a restaurant in Wales, I think it was. It was a bit too high for him, it transpired, and on the way home he needed to … you know … go. Properly. With great urgency. Long and short he had to hang on longer than was comfortable until he found a gateway to a field, pulled off the road, leapt out of the car and … Well … Went. It all happened very fast. A bit too fast. The trousers were not bad, but not really wearable. the boxer shorts were not in state in which he wanted to even have them in the car with him. He hung them over the gate post, hoping there would be a good lot of rain before the farmer found them, although it being Wales that was probably a given. He rolled up the trousers and put them in the boot to wash later. When he got back, he had to enter their rented cottage Carry On style, with the Hamlyn road atlas of Britain held open over his unmentionables.

    He always wondered what the farmer would have thought finding the pants … Could your Calvin Kleiner have had a similar experience?

    Cheers

    MTM

    • jwebster2 October 16, 2016 at 9:49 am Reply

      We felt that the white witch option had more cachet and helped raise the tone. The underpants might well have been discarded in circumstances similar to those you mention, but the place they were discarded is at the side of a long straight where the discarder would be visible in either direction for a quarter of a mile. Hardly a secluded layby or even a field gateway.

      • M T McGuire October 16, 2016 at 4:05 pm

        I don’t think the gateway was secluded, it was just the first remotely safe place to stop and … er hem … unload. Phnark.

      • jwebster2 October 16, 2016 at 4:14 pm

        you can stop to unload even if there are double yellow lines.

      • M T McGuire October 17, 2016 at 10:22 am

        Phnark! True but if you’re blocking a single track road with high hedges another car will come within seconds of your leaving your vehicle … because that is the law of sod! 😉

      • jwebster2 October 17, 2016 at 12:24 pm

        absolutely, and depending on the speed of the oncoming vehicle it can be a bowel loosening experience in itself

  3. Mick Canning October 16, 2016 at 10:04 am Reply

    Intriguing. I’d blame the clowns if i could think of a good reason.

    • jwebster2 October 16, 2016 at 10:17 am Reply

      blaming clowns is a good general principle that has fallen into disfavour in the courts. It probably wouldn’t hurt to go back to it

      • Mick Canning October 16, 2016 at 10:19 am

        I like the cut of your jib, Jim.

      • jwebster2 October 16, 2016 at 10:42 am

        I feel there is much our judiciary could learn from Port Naain 😉

  4. lercio October 20, 2016 at 2:21 pm Reply

    My wife try’s to get me to wear anything the Marks & Spencer’s model wears.
    So I’m wearing linnen summer jacket, chino’s, lambs wool “V” neck jumper and my gardening boots. (Actually Boots, Ammunition, for the use of). Using a tooth brush to work in the kiwi polish is still the best way to do it.
    But, I’ve told her, if I’m spending that much on under pants, I’m not wearing trousers when I go out.
    I’m worried, this won’t end well

    • jwebster2 October 20, 2016 at 3:52 pm Reply

      I can see your problem, but I’m not entirely sure how to deal with it. Apparently (according to family members) I have, over the years, managed to develop the ability to wear anything so that it gives the impression I’m wearing jumper and jeans, even if I’m wearing a suit at a wedding.
      I think it may be something about celebrating my existential scruffiness?

      • lercio October 21, 2016 at 1:00 am

        Jim,
        I’m so boring, my next door neighbour’s garden gnome has fallen asleep while what I got me.
        My wife, while whatching a TV murder mystery, commented that she rather liked the American porch that they seem to have. It would be nice to sit out on one.
        I was going to raise the garage floor to put the game table on.
        That is after I’ve put a large semi circular patio in front of the summer house that I haven’t built yet. (It will make the garden smaller to save you some work).
        Yes dear 😦

      • jwebster2 October 21, 2016 at 8:13 am

        As long as she wants you sitting on the porch rather than buried under it, you’re probably doing something right 🙂

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